[The unexpected term of endearment makes Akechi snort derisively, though the tips of his ears flush red beneath his hair. How stupid. Doubly so that Ren would call him that after the torture they'd both experienced over the last few endless days.]
That's my question for you, idiot. You're the one who refused to dress for the weather.
[He extends a leather-gloved hand expectantly, waiting for a cigarette to be offered. It's become something he can share only with Ren, something that's at once paradoxically a form of rebellion, and a socially-acceptable form of intimacy.]
(When Ren laughs, the smoke escapes through his nostrils and lips, his eyes nearly closing in spite of his tiredness and weariness. Ren picks a stick with the ends of his nails, delicately placing it on the leathered palm before he taps his own on their ashtray.
Ren taps the chair next to him, a daily routine now to sit here and watch the street with Akechi. He wouldn't change it for the world.)
[For a moment, he wavers, almost preferring to stay standing. To allow that little bit of distance between them, something that feels like it should be necessary after what happened. But Ren taps the chair, and after only another moment's hesitation, he sits, though his posture is stiff and uncertain.
Ren's directness brings another snort to his lips as he lights the cigarette and brings it to his lips.]
Straight to the point, hm? [he observes, a note of fondness breaking through the weariness in his voice. He exhales thoughtfully, watching the smoke dissipate into the cool autumn air, then glances sideways to Ren.]
I'm not the one who was murdered by a giant crow. Again, the question is better suited to you.
(Ren doesn't want the distance. He likes Akechi next to him, close, with him no matter the situation, so naturally, he's smiling at the fact that he's got it. When it comes down to it, Ren is so easy so please - just the company is enough to warm him through the cold breeze that cut his face. He hates it, and buries himself further into the blanket like a little animal snuggling against warmth.
Ren's not mad, either. So many people tried to murder him, and Ren's not going to hold anyone accountable. It wouldn't be fair to anyone, really, when they clearly weren't in their right mind.)
[His lip curls in an irritated sneer. There's an ugly, possessive part of him that hates the idea that anyone else might try to kill Ren -- worse, that they'd succeed. It's fucked up that the idea that only he can kill Ren is so persistent, even now.]
Making excuses doesn't erase the trauma, [he points out, trying to restrain that ugliness with limited success. His nose curls in distaste as he shakes his head.] Nor does it excuse my actions. Honestly, how many times am I going to have to try to kill you before you get that through your thick head?
(He already warns Akechi, hopefully, both know that as a fact. He can use that line next time he consciously puts a gun against Ren's forehead and pulls the trigger, not now when he simply became a whole ass monster before Ren's very eyes. Ren takes a rather large drag, allowing the smoke to swim comfortably in his lungs before it exists through his nose and he clicks his tongue.)
I was murdered so many times this past week it just feels like more of the same. You're the one I'm worried about.
[Ren doesn't get it. The first time he'd thought he'd killed Ren, so long ago, the satisfaction of his victory had slowly given way to guilt and disgust. When he tried to kill him again in the engine room of his father's vile Palace, he hadn't the time to feel anything but anger at his own loss and helplessness. Now? Before he realizes what he's done, the tension in his fingers snaps the cigarette in half. A quiet hiss of a curse through his teeth as he frantically sweeps the remains from his pants and drops both halves into the ashtray.]
I'd kill you simply to rob someone else of the pleasure, [he says bluntly, fixing Ren with a stare. His stomach roils in disgust, because as much as he hates it, it's true. Ren can paint his actions in whatever light he chooses, look at them through rose-colored glasses if he must, but the fact remains that even now, the thought of someone else getting their grubby hands on him is even worse than the thought of Ren's death.]
(When the cigarette is torn apart, Ren's eyes are quick to direct Akechi's hand forward. He's already burnt himself on a flame, and it's rather painful, he wouldn't wish for Akechi to meet the same fate.
All that this is doing is proving Ren's point that the one who needs support, listening and loving is none other than Akechi, as much as he rebukes it with every single cell in his body whenever Ren tries to give it. Ren's gaze is intense, piercing, and it might just stab Akechi's heart in its burning sincerity before the deep voice makes his point known.)
What do you want from me, Goro? Punishment? I know the man I love.
[He does feel as if he's been stabbed with those words, painful in their sincerity. He can feel his own teeth grinding as he tears his gaze away from the other man, unable to meet his eyes.]
You, [he starts, and hates the way he feels so vulnerable, like Ren's torn him open with words alone. Fuck, when's the last time someone told him they loved him and meant it? Toward the end, he wasn't even sure if his mother truly meant it, or if his memory of her is warped as so many things in his life were. There's an unfamiliar burning sensation right behind his eyes, and he squeezes them shut as if that might ease it.]
You're the most infuriating man I've ever known, [he manages, voice slightly hoarse through the effort of gritting the words out.]
(If there's something Ren is sure of is that he's in love with Akechi. He didn't even need to think about it too much, it is apparent from how when he's at Bonnie's, he finds it difficult to sleep without Akechi's heartbeat chiming in his ears. How listening to his voice first thing in the morning makes the entire day worth facing. How their bodies feel like they're made for one another when they're wrapped around each other. How Ren's heart nearly sings with delight once Akechi comes home after a long day.
There's no doubt in his mind, and it was about time that Akechi heard it from him, but he wasn't expecting it to make him cry, or come close to. Ren knows the man he loves, and he's sure that attempting to soothe it won't end up well. Instead, his hand closes around the other's, delicately, and he squeezes it.)
I've been in love with you since home. I knew who you were then, I know who you are now. I'm not going away.
[His eyes are burning from exhaustion. That's what has him pulling his hand out of Ren's and pressing both palms to his eyes, hunched over with his elbows on his knees.]
I ripped you apart, [he chokes out, hating how weak his own voice sounds and feeling his shoulders starting to shake.] I ripped you open and I enjoyed it. And I can't promise it will not happen again, and it very well might. You can't honestly tell me you feel safe around me.
It's not the answer Ren wants to hear, but it's true. Ren could tear Akechi limb from limb, and it wouldn't even make up a fraction of what Akechi's done to him. His nostrils flare, and dimly, he realizes the burning he'd chalked up to exhaustion is tears welling in his eyes. He hasn't cried since he was a child, longer still in front of someone. Ren's cried in front of him, and that's fine, but the idea of crying in front of Ren is terrifying.]
You wouldn't enjoy it. [His voice emerges in a whisper, not daring to speak any louder.]
In my right mind, I wouldn't. I don't know how it would feel otherwise.
(But in this place, the tenuous line between moral and immoral that Ren finds himself watching and walking, everything is possible. Ren wants to kiss Akechi, that's something he knows. As if the contact could wash away all the sadness, all the guilt that sinks within him... Unfortunately, that's not possible, not here, anyway.)
I'm not certain I know what my right mind is, Ren.
[It's a quiet, cracked whisper, an admission that's been lurking in the back of his mind for a long time. Years.
Who in their right mind would go to such lengths to exact revenge on one man? Who in their right mind would kill innocents just to serve their own aims? Who in their right mind would drive themselves mad with rage in pursuit of power, rip their own mind apart in an unquenchable bloodthirst? Who in their right mind would try to kill the one positive influence in their life, not once, but multiple times? Who in their right mind would enjoy it, would do it again, if only to keep someone else from doing it first?]
Don't you think this is something we can find out together?
(If Akechi doesn't know who he is, and he won't accept Ren's vision of him, that's the only thing they can do. Soul search, trying to understand who Akechi is outside his traumas, who he would aspire to become in a world far from their own.
He could start over. Ren silently hopes he can see that.)
[For a long time, the only sound is Akechi's own ragged breathing. Warm, wet tears soak into the leather of his gloves, and he doesn't trust himself to speak. If pressed, he couldn't articulate how he feels. He'd thought he'd been exhausted when he'd been trapped in Maruki's perfect fucking world, but that was nothing compared to this.
He just can't understand why Ren would go through such lengths for him. He never has, and honestly, can't imagine he ever will. His palms grind against his eyes until he can see sparks, trying in vain to stop the tears from flowing.]
(Ren knows that there is a high probability that Akechi won't appreciate comforting. After all, a lifetime of being on one's own can make one averse to such contact, to depend on another for heat and support when one needs the most.
Ren doesn't care if he gets pushed, punched, or yelled at. The blanket that drapes over his shoulder now shelters both from the cutting wind, and Ren wraps his arm around the boy's waist under it to bring him closer.)
[He stiffens at the unexpected touch, the startling warmth of the blanket being wrapped around him. It's stupid, painfully childish just how comforting the gesture truly is. The fact that Ren's even willing to offer it is just as absurd as everything else.
He only makes it a few moments before giving in and sagging against Ren's side, one hand still covering his eyes as if that might somehow stem the flow of tears. He doesn't deserve this, but selfishly, he refuses to push Ren away right now.]
Comforting your murderer, [he manages finally, when the tears have run dry and all that's left is a bone-numbing exhaustion.] You truly are a glutton for punishment.
(Ren snorts at the comment. To the contrary, this is a blessing. Never in a million years would he have thought being able to hold Akechi like this, against him, allowing him to nest in his warmth when he needs the most. He feels lucky, honored, all things that Akechi could never understand in these circumstances.
Nobody's looking, Ren certifies himself before leaving the tiniest of kisses on his forehead, making sure none of the rouge lipstick stains white skin.)
[The term of endearment makes him laugh, a harsh, ugly noise of genuine amusement that would have fans of the erstwhile detective prince crying. The word Aelwyn leveraged against them like an insult, the word he'd never dared to use himself, said with such ease as if somehow "boyfriend" and "murderer" couldn't possibly refer to the same person.]
Honestly, you really are...
[He closes his eyes and exhales a sigh, allowing himself to rest his head against the other boy's shoulder. He's drained, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally in equal measure.]
(Ren continues. Last time Akechi left it at that, it wasn't great all around, so Ren's quick to mend it with a cheeky remark and a laugh, albeit a quiet one. Ren's thumb caresses Akechi's waist with ease, but he knows they shouldn't be up for much longer. A lot's happened, and Akechi could use some sleep, couldn't he? Ren takes a hand, removing the glove to press a kiss to the soft, fragrant skin, and gestures towards the apartment.)
[He laughs again, more quietly this time. There was a time when he'd praised a response like that as innovative, considered working it into an interview response to make him seem more relatable to his peers in the audience. How foolish that all seems now.
He's loathe to leave the warmth of their impromptu, tiny blanket fort, but Ren's right. He certainly doesn't intend to sleep on the balcony, so he'll be the first one up, freeing himself from the blanket to allow Ren to wrap himself up into it.]
Agreed. I'll see you in there.
[As much as he'd love to climb right into bed, he does have to wash his face and at least try to combat the damage stress and lack of sleep has done to his skin over the last few days. It'll give Ren time to finish up his cigarette if he still needs it, anyway. Not to mention that of course he'll need to remove his own makeup.]
(That cigarette is burnt and gone, and Ren tosses the butt of it into the ashtray and stretches his arms before he stands. He does have quite a battle ahead of him - getting the fake nails out, the wig properly stored, the dress in the laundry bin...
Unlike Akechi, the makeup on his face is the least of his concerns. What is it going to do, become permanent on his skin? He'd look fabulous for life.
When Akechi returns, he'll find the usual scene of Ren in his boxers in bed, snuggling against a pillow that he koala-wrapped against.)
[There's honestly something almost comforting about applying a few drops of serum and massaging a light moisturizer into his face before bed. A tiny gesture of normalcy, if nothing else, a relaxing routine before crawling into bed with the most important person in his life.
The frown that curves his lips when he exits the bathroom and sees Ren in bed, apparently fully prepared to smear lipstick and foundation into his sheets, threatens to undo all that hard work.]
If you needed the bathroom, you could have just asked. I'm not washing my sheets because you stained them.
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:05 pm (UTC)That's my question for you, idiot. You're the one who refused to dress for the weather.
[He extends a leather-gloved hand expectantly, waiting for a cigarette to be offered. It's become something he can share only with Ren, something that's at once paradoxically a form of rebellion, and a socially-acceptable form of intimacy.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:10 pm (UTC)Ren taps the chair next to him, a daily routine now to sit here and watch the street with Akechi. He wouldn't change it for the world.)
I'm not the one who became a giant crow, though.
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:17 pm (UTC)Ren's directness brings another snort to his lips as he lights the cigarette and brings it to his lips.]
Straight to the point, hm? [he observes, a note of fondness breaking through the weariness in his voice. He exhales thoughtfully, watching the smoke dissipate into the cool autumn air, then glances sideways to Ren.]
I'm not the one who was murdered by a giant crow. Again, the question is better suited to you.
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:30 pm (UTC)Ren's not mad, either. So many people tried to murder him, and Ren's not going to hold anyone accountable. It wouldn't be fair to anyone, really, when they clearly weren't in their right mind.)
I'm fine. You weren't you -- neither were Mercy.
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:34 pm (UTC)Making excuses doesn't erase the trauma, [he points out, trying to restrain that ugliness with limited success. His nose curls in distaste as he shakes his head.] Nor does it excuse my actions. Honestly, how many times am I going to have to try to kill you before you get that through your thick head?
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:38 pm (UTC)(He already warns Akechi, hopefully, both know that as a fact. He can use that line next time he consciously puts a gun against Ren's forehead and pulls the trigger, not now when he simply became a whole ass monster before Ren's very eyes. Ren takes a rather large drag, allowing the smoke to swim comfortably in his lungs before it exists through his nose and he clicks his tongue.)
I was murdered so many times this past week it just feels like more of the same. You're the one I'm worried about.
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Date: 2021-11-01 12:46 pm (UTC)I'd kill you simply to rob someone else of the pleasure, [he says bluntly, fixing Ren with a stare. His stomach roils in disgust, because as much as he hates it, it's true. Ren can paint his actions in whatever light he chooses, look at them through rose-colored glasses if he must, but the fact remains that even now, the thought of someone else getting their grubby hands on him is even worse than the thought of Ren's death.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:07 pm (UTC)All that this is doing is proving Ren's point that the one who needs support, listening and loving is none other than Akechi, as much as he rebukes it with every single cell in his body whenever Ren tries to give it. Ren's gaze is intense, piercing, and it might just stab Akechi's heart in its burning sincerity before the deep voice makes his point known.)
What do you want from me, Goro? Punishment? I know the man I love.
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:17 pm (UTC)[He does feel as if he's been stabbed with those words, painful in their sincerity. He can feel his own teeth grinding as he tears his gaze away from the other man, unable to meet his eyes.]
You, [he starts, and hates the way he feels so vulnerable, like Ren's torn him open with words alone. Fuck, when's the last time someone told him they loved him and meant it? Toward the end, he wasn't even sure if his mother truly meant it, or if his memory of her is warped as so many things in his life were. There's an unfamiliar burning sensation right behind his eyes, and he squeezes them shut as if that might ease it.]
You're the most infuriating man I've ever known, [he manages, voice slightly hoarse through the effort of gritting the words out.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:27 pm (UTC)There's no doubt in his mind, and it was about time that Akechi heard it from him, but he wasn't expecting it to make him cry, or come close to. Ren knows the man he loves, and he's sure that attempting to soothe it won't end up well. Instead, his hand closes around the other's, delicately, and he squeezes it.)
I've been in love with you since home. I knew who you were then, I know who you are now. I'm not going away.
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:34 pm (UTC)I ripped you apart, [he chokes out, hating how weak his own voice sounds and feeling his shoulders starting to shake.] I ripped you open and I enjoyed it. And I can't promise it will not happen again, and it very well might. You can't honestly tell me you feel safe around me.
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:37 pm (UTC)(It's not an order, but the sternness in Ren's voice might as well be a very strong plead.)
What if it had been me? I had been transformed, and I ripped you apart?
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:42 pm (UTC)It's not the answer Ren wants to hear, but it's true. Ren could tear Akechi limb from limb, and it wouldn't even make up a fraction of what Akechi's done to him. His nostrils flare, and dimly, he realizes the burning he'd chalked up to exhaustion is tears welling in his eyes. He hasn't cried since he was a child, longer still in front of someone. Ren's cried in front of him, and that's fine, but the idea of crying in front of Ren is terrifying.]
You wouldn't enjoy it. [His voice emerges in a whisper, not daring to speak any louder.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:47 pm (UTC)(But in this place, the tenuous line between moral and immoral that Ren finds himself watching and walking, everything is possible. Ren wants to kiss Akechi, that's something he knows. As if the contact could wash away all the sadness, all the guilt that sinks within him... Unfortunately, that's not possible, not here, anyway.)
Please, Goro. Let me be with you.
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Date: 2021-11-01 01:52 pm (UTC)[It's a quiet, cracked whisper, an admission that's been lurking in the back of his mind for a long time. Years.
Who in their right mind would go to such lengths to exact revenge on one man? Who in their right mind would kill innocents just to serve their own aims? Who in their right mind would drive themselves mad with rage in pursuit of power, rip their own mind apart in an unquenchable bloodthirst? Who in their right mind would try to kill the one positive influence in their life, not once, but multiple times? Who in their right mind would enjoy it, would do it again, if only to keep someone else from doing it first?]
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:01 pm (UTC)(If Akechi doesn't know who he is, and he won't accept Ren's vision of him, that's the only thing they can do. Soul search, trying to understand who Akechi is outside his traumas, who he would aspire to become in a world far from their own.
He could start over. Ren silently hopes he can see that.)
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:23 pm (UTC)He just can't understand why Ren would go through such lengths for him. He never has, and honestly, can't imagine he ever will. His palms grind against his eyes until he can see sparks, trying in vain to stop the tears from flowing.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:29 pm (UTC)Ren doesn't care if he gets pushed, punched, or yelled at. The blanket that drapes over his shoulder now shelters both from the cutting wind, and Ren wraps his arm around the boy's waist under it to bring him closer.)
It's okay, Goro. I'm here with you.
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:36 pm (UTC)He only makes it a few moments before giving in and sagging against Ren's side, one hand still covering his eyes as if that might somehow stem the flow of tears. He doesn't deserve this, but selfishly, he refuses to push Ren away right now.]
Comforting your murderer, [he manages finally, when the tears have run dry and all that's left is a bone-numbing exhaustion.] You truly are a glutton for punishment.
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:43 pm (UTC)Nobody's looking, Ren certifies himself before leaving the tiniest of kisses on his forehead, making sure none of the rouge lipstick stains white skin.)
I'm comforting my boyfriend.
(It's different, see?)
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Date: 2021-11-01 02:53 pm (UTC)Honestly, you really are...
[He closes his eyes and exhales a sigh, allowing himself to rest his head against the other boy's shoulder. He's drained, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally in equal measure.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 03:00 pm (UTC)(Ren continues. Last time Akechi left it at that, it wasn't great all around, so Ren's quick to mend it with a cheeky remark and a laugh, albeit a quiet one. Ren's thumb caresses Akechi's waist with ease, but he knows they shouldn't be up for much longer. A lot's happened, and Akechi could use some sleep, couldn't he? Ren takes a hand, removing the glove to press a kiss to the soft, fragrant skin, and gestures towards the apartment.)
Let's go to bed. I want to kiss you good night.
(And sleep for a week, most likely.)
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Date: 2021-11-01 03:07 pm (UTC)He's loathe to leave the warmth of their impromptu, tiny blanket fort, but Ren's right. He certainly doesn't intend to sleep on the balcony, so he'll be the first one up, freeing himself from the blanket to allow Ren to wrap himself up into it.]
Agreed. I'll see you in there.
[As much as he'd love to climb right into bed, he does have to wash his face and at least try to combat the damage stress and lack of sleep has done to his skin over the last few days. It'll give Ren time to finish up his cigarette if he still needs it, anyway. Not to mention that of course he'll need to remove his own makeup.]
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Date: 2021-11-01 03:13 pm (UTC)Unlike Akechi, the makeup on his face is the least of his concerns. What is it going to do, become permanent on his skin? He'd look fabulous for life.
When Akechi returns, he'll find the usual scene of Ren in his boxers in bed, snuggling against a pillow that he koala-wrapped against.)
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Date: 2021-11-01 03:18 pm (UTC)The frown that curves his lips when he exits the bathroom and sees Ren in bed, apparently fully prepared to smear lipstick and foundation into his sheets, threatens to undo all that hard work.]
If you needed the bathroom, you could have just asked. I'm not washing my sheets because you stained them.
[With makeup, anyway.]
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